To The End of June

"To The End of June" by Cris Beam

Oh boy, this was a heavy, hard, yet interesting read.  If you are interested in the foster system, are a foster parent, know a foster parent, or work within the system, I recommend this book.  The author explains how our system began, the changes that have occurred along the way, and how our system is failing those it is meant to help.  Cris followed several foster kids and their families over a period of time to help show what it is like being a foster child and a foster parent.  As one who volunteers with foster kids, I know first hand the faults in our system but this book gave me a different look at the biological parents and their struggles.  Honestly my eyes were open to views I hadn't thought of before and I highly recommend this book.  "I know that foster children are twice as likely to develop Posttraumatic Stress Disorder than are veterans of war."  And that sentence was on the first page!  What are we doing?  "This is one of the reasons why a lot of people go straight for adoption, that they don't bother with foster care.  It's because of the investment-you see your investment go down the drain in months."  Foster parents put a lot of work into these kids only to have them be moved to another home.  It's hard, selfless work and it takes such courage.  "That's why nearly every kid in foster care is diagnosed with ADHD or even Oppositional Defiance Disorder-they don't have impulse control, because they never had proper attachment.  Unfortunately, the system tends to tackle the symptoms rather than the cause, by medicating the children for their hyperactivity or aggression, without addressing the underlying loss, which can take years to repair."  So much of this system is reactive and not proactive and I believe this alone is why we fail our children.  "But if you live in a state where your're going to be charged with child abuse for your addiction, or you know your kids will be taken away if you show up at a treatment site, you're stuck regardless."  Can we get them help before we take their children?  Would there be better success for the child and the parent?  "We've been building a city for children on a sinking foundation."  "Parents should do it because the kids need.  Otherwise they're going to be disappointed.  More money, more training, all of these things would be a boost, but foster parenting, by definition, means personal sacrifice.  You do it because you want to help a kid, and because you enjoy seeing them grow.  The gratitude for what you've done might come later.  Like after five years of hell."  Or honestly, maybe not at all.  "For her doctoral dissertation, Eliana interviewed one hundred kids in foster care, asking them why they thought they were there.  Ninety percent said it was because of something they did."  And that is what these children carry with them.  "Kecia explained that the first of her theories was the most basic and obvious: group homes led to jail because of the connections that you made in care.  The kids you met could lure you into trouble, and the adults were strangers you couldn't trust.  One thing led to another."  Group homes were not meant to raise kids.  "There's one commonly cited statistic-that 80 percent of all inmates have spent time in foster care-"  That figure alone should make us take a good look at our system.  "These kids said they would have rather been abused at home with their parents than abused by the state.  We realize now that the outcomes for children in foster care are going to be worse than if they had stayed in the home."  That statement blows my mind.  I can't even wrap my head around it.  "The agencies and the foster parents dont' know how to manage what every single foster child seems to need-that need to go back.  We need to get better at this part of the foster care trajectory because that journey back is land-minded for self-destruction."  No matter the abuse, no matter the circumstances, a child will always want to go back.  "This is why child welfare experts try to fix the myriad problems in child welfare and fail: the problems are rooted in a society that cares little for its children, for its poor, its mentally ill, undereducated, incarcerated, addicted, and isolated."  As a society we have proven this through our failing systems. "And the poverty aspect of foster care is particularly troubling, as the one shining truth in my research was this: the poorer you are, the more likely you are to get entangled with child welfare."  The author doesn't offer solutions, she wrote the book as mere information.  It leaves the reader wondering how do we fix this, how do we help these children and families?

Three Little Words

"Three Little Words" by Ashley Rhodes-Courter

I volunteer with foster youth in my county and this book was recommended to me by another volunteer.  It is a book that highlights why children in the foster system need advocates.  This story is written by a young girl who was in the foster system and her experiences.  This book actually makes me cringe because it is everything that is wrong with our system.  I kept asking, "How could that have happened, how could this have happened?"  Everything that could have gone wrong for this young girl did.  "What had I done that was so terrible that I had to be taken from my mother?"  How many kids think it was something they did?  How man kids think that they weren't good enough?  Many of these children are have self esteem issues believing that they weren't good enough to be loved.  "Behind the scenes, though, she became our champion, and it would be years before I realized everything she had accomplished on Luke's and my behalf."  She is talking about her advocate or CASA worker.  Ashley, the author, didn't know at first how much this worker was doing on her and siblings behalf.  "What I could not avoid was an irrational throbbing for my mother that came in waves." "Besides, the only parent I wanted was my mother, and if I could not have her, then having nobody was better than somebody else."  Foster kids are afraid to be loved and they self sabatoge for fear of being rejected they reject first.  "It's okay not to love us.  And I'm not going to say that I love you, because I haven't known you long enough to feel that way.  I like you very much and I want you to be my daughter forever, but love is something that grows with shared experiences.  I feel the buds of love growing, but it hasn't blossomed yet."  Ashley's adoptive mom first said this to her when she came to live with them.  I appreciate her openness and her honesty.  It takes a lot of time to heal from the hurt these children have experienced and her adoptive mom did not expect instant love.  "You are our chosen child, our only daugher.  We missed so much of your life, and we cannot erase some of the tragedies.  All we can do is help you to be the person you want to be from now on."  Foster parents are heroes, they are courageous people who love the broken back to life.  I am in awe of their dedication and willingness to be in the trenches.  "Children need families, not programs."  "Placement?  We have adopted you.  You're our daughter, so cut the poor-orphan-me crap.  We never had anywhere to send our sons, so why should you be different?"  Ashley was afraid that if she messed up she would be put back into a group home.  Her adopted mom was telling her that she was loved no matter what she did, that this was a forever relationship.  Unfortunately, many kids act out from their fears and hurts and foster parents end up giving the kids back up.  It takes a lot to foster.  "The state had paid her to shelter children who were already wounded, and she broke them further-some permanently.  In addition, I cannot help but hold a grudge against those in authority who were incompetent, negligent, or looked the other way when the system's foster parents were harming us.  So many children in my position have no voice, but I will not be silent.  I will continue to speak out about the importance of getting children into permanent homes more quickly."   Children need homes, they were never intended to be taken care of by an institution.  We need to speak out, these children need a voice.  "Out of these 195 people, only Mary Miller and Martha Cook were unpaid volunteers-yet they are the two people who made the greatest difference in my life."  I'll end with this, make a difference in a child's life, become a CASA worker!  (Shameless plug)